George Carlin On Religion

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This is a collection of clips from what I believe to be the best of George Carlin on religion.

I think the list of Commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten it's a padded list here's what they did about five thousand years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people how to keep him in line they knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told so they announced that God had given them some Commandments up on a mountain when no one was around God had given them the Ten Commandments but let me ask you this when I was sitting around making this shit up why did they pick 10 why 10 why not 9 or 11 I'll tell you why cuz 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew 4 was 11 people wouldn't take it seriously so what are you kidding me the 11 commandments get the fuck out of here but 1010 sounds important 10 is the basis for the decimal system it's a decade it's a psychologically satisfying number the top 10 the 10 most wanted the 10 best-dressed so having Ten Commandments was really a marketing decision to me it's clearly a bullshit list it's a political document artificially inflated to sell better I'm gonna show you how you could reduce the number of Commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical we're going to start with the first three and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught as a little boy I am THE LORD thy God thou shalt not have strange gods before me thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath right off the bat the first three pure bullshit Sabbath day Lord's name strange gods spooky language spoken language designed to scare and control primitive people in no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you throw out the first three Commandments one you're down to seven next honor thy father and mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the parents performance some some parents deserve respect most of them don't period you're down to six now in the interest of logic something religion is very uncomfortable with we're going to jump around the list a little bit thou shalt not steal thou shalt not bear false witness stealing and lying well actually these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior dishonesty stealing and lying so you don't need two of them instead you combine them and you call it thou shalt not be dishonest and suddenly you're down to five and as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together thou shalt not commit adultery thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same kind of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is coveting takes place in the mind and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife otherwise what's a guy going to think about when he's waxing his carrot what marital fidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep the idea head call this one thou shalt not be unfaithful and suddenly we're down to four but when you think about it honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so in truth you could combine the two honesty Commandments with the two fidelity Commandments and give them simpler language positive language instead of negative and call the whole thing thou shalt always be honest and faithful and we're down to three thou shalt thou shalt they're going away they're going away fast thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Goods this one is just plain fucking stupid coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going all right your neighbor gets a vibrator the plays o come all ye faithful if you want to get one to coveting creates jobs leave it alone your throught coveting you're down to two now the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet thou shalt not kill murder the fifth commandment but when you think about it when you think about it religion has never really had a big problem with murder not really more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason all you have to do is look at Northern Ireland the Middle East Kashmir the Inquisition the Crusades and the World Trade Centre to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill the more devout they are the more they see murder as being negotiable it's negotiable it depends it depends it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed so with all of this in mind I leave you with my revised list of the two commandments thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy Nicky and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to – is all you need Moses could have carried him down the hill in his fucking pocket and if they had a list like that I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall as long as they included one additional commandment thou shall keep thy religion to thyself Hartman in the bullshit Department a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman because I got to tell you the truth folks I got to tell you the truth when it comes to bullshit big-time major-league bullshit you have to stand in awe in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims religion no contest religion religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told think about it religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day and the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do and if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time but he loves you we want you he loves you and he needs money he always needs money he's all-powerful all-perfect all-knowing and all-wise somehow just can't handle money religion takes in billions of dollars they pay no taxes and they always need a little more now you talk about a good bullshit story holy shit thank you very much but I want you to know I want you to know something this is sincere I want you to know when it comes to believing in God I really tried I really really tried I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things I really tried to believe that but I got to tell you the longer you live the more you look around the more you realize something is fucked up something is wrong here war disease death destruction hunger filth poverty torture crime corruption and the Ice Capades something is definitely wrong this is not good work if this is the best God can do I am NOT impressed results like these do not belong in the resume of a Supreme Being this is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude in between you and me in any decently run universe this guy would have been out on is all-powerful ass a long time ago by the way I say this guy because I firmly believe looking at these results that if there is a God it has to be a man no woman could or would ever fuck things up like this if if there is a god if there is I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent and maybe just maybe doesn't give a shit doesn't give a shit which I admire in a person and which would explain a lot of these bad results so rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit I decided to look around for something else to worship something I could really count on and immediately I thought of the Sun happened like that overnight I became a Sun worshipper well not overnight you can't see the Sun at night I became a Sun worshipper several reasons first of all I can see the Sun okay unlike some other gods I could mention I can actually see the Sun I'm big on that if I can see something I don't know kind of helps the credibility along you know so every day I can see the Sun as it gives me everything I need heat like food flowers in the park reflections on the lake an occasional skin cancer but hey at least there are no crucifixions and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us Sun worship is fairly simple there's no mystery no miracles no pageantry no one asks for money there are no songs to learn and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing and the better the best thing about the Sun it never tells me I'm unworthy doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved hadn't said an unkind word treats me fine so I worship the Sun but I don't pray to the Sun know why I wouldn't presume on our friendship it's not polite though often thought people treat God rather rudely don't you asking you know trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and pleading and begging for favors do this give me that I need a new car I want a better job and most of this praying takes place on Sunday his day off and it's no way to treat a friend but people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things you know your sister needs an operation on her crotch your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall but most of all you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store the one with the eye patch and the clubfoot do you pray for that I think it half doom and I say fine pray for anything you want pray for anything but what about the Divine Plan remember that the Divine Plan long time ago God made a divine plan gave it a lot of thought decided it was a good plan put it into practice and for billions and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine now you come along and pray for something well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's divine plan what do you want him to do change his plan just for you that may seem a little arrogant it's a divine plan what's the use of being God if every rundown schmuck with a $2.00 prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan and here's something else another problem you might have suppose your prayers aren't answered what do you say well it's God's will thy will be done fine but if it's God's will he's gonna do what he wants to anyway why the fuck bother praying in the first place they raise the time to me couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to his will it's all very confusing so to get around a lot of this I decided to worship the Sun but as I said I don't pray to the Sun you know who I pray to Joe Pesci Joe Pesci two reasons first of all I think he's a good actor okay to me that dudes second he looks like a guy who can get things done Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around doesn't fuck around in fact in Fat Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with for years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog' Joe Pesci straighten that cocksucker out with one visit it's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat so I've been praying to Joe for about a year now and I noticed something I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the same 50% rate half the time I get what I want half the time I don't same as God 50/50 same as the four-leaf clover in the horseshoe the wishing well and the rabbit's foot same as the Mojo man same as the Voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goats testicles it's all the same 50/50 so just pick your superstitions sit back make a wish and enjoy yourself and for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities I won't suggest a couple of other stories for you you might want to look at the Three Little Pigs that's a good one nice happy ending I'm sure you'll like that then there's Little Red Riding Hood although it does have that x-rated part where the big bad wolf actually eats the grandmother but I didn't care for it by the way and finally I've often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty the Potter liked the best all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again that's because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no god none not one no god never was in fact I'm gonna I'm gonna put it this way if there is a god if there is a God may he strike this audience dead [Applause] arrange the stakes I'll raise the stakes a little bit if there is a God may he strike me dead see nothing happened up wait got a little cramp in my leg and my balls hurt plus I'm blind good luck oh now I'm okay again must have been Joe Pesci god bless Joe Pesci thank you all very much I appreciate